like a fire

Warning: I wrote this a while go when struggling through my faith and my calling. Read at your own risk.

I have been thinking through some hard thoughts lately. Most of these thoughts have been an accusation on my own faith as well as the church in America. The most humbling of these thoughts is the idea of Christianity. I think that if you asked anyone in my community, or most American communities, how to become a Christian, they would have an answer for you. Some might tell you to give up your old immoral life and live a life for Jesus, or some might give you some very canned analogies about swimming across the ocean or jumping to the moon or making an omelet. Still some might pray a prayer with you to give your heart to the Lord. The point is, almost everyone would have an answer. Some might be better than others, but the answer would be there.

On the other hand, if you asked many of the same people what it means to live a Christian life, there wouldn’t be much of a conversation left. There might be a feeble attempt like “trust Jesus”, but when asked what that looks like, many Christians loose their confidence. To me, this makes Christianity an orphanage. We have lots of births to show, but very few parents to model a life of health and success.

John Eldredge says it another way:

“Think of it: you are a shadow of the person you were meant to be. You have nothing close to the life you were meant to have. And you have no real chance of becoming that person or finding that life. However, you are forgiven. For the rest of your days, you will fail in your attempts to become what God wants you to be. You should seek forgiveness and try again. Eventually, shame and disappointment will cloud your understanding of yourself and your God. When this ongoing hell on earth is over, you will die, and you will be taken up before your God for a full account of how you didn’t measure up. But you will be forgiven.”

That sounds a lot like what I see. In my own life, I wonder if there is anything else. I don’t see all the fruit that I feel should be there, and I know all my failures in my heart. Most of all, I long for a person to come along and show the way that I am supposed to live.

That isn’t fatalism. I know that I am farther along than I ever have been, but I long for something more than just forgiveness.

I want success.

But not the way the world thinks of success. I know better than that. I know the kind of success the world supports and its emptiness. What I want is a clear picture of God’s success for me, personally, in my life, every second of the day.

But that isn’t really it either, because I am not really faithful with the things that I already know.

Maybe what I want is the courage to do what I know and trust in what I don’t. Is that the faith that the Bible teaches? I’m not sure.

My best hope at this point is boredom. I get bored very easily. I know that when people get bored they are willing to try things that they never would have. So I am praying for boredom like no other.